How To Make Your Child An Athletic Success

It doesn't cost money and it doesn't involve more after-school activities.

“Mom! You’re yelling! Be Quiet!”

“But that was a TRAVEL!! Did you see it?”

I wish I could say this is a conversation I observed recently, but that’s not true. It was me yelling and my son correcting me. We were at my daughter’s basketball game and I was OUTRAGED that the foul was not called on that 10 year old girl on the opposing team who took TWO WHOLE STEPS before dribbling the ball. How is my kid supposed to live in a world this unjust?!?!?

I’ve spent a lot of my time over the last 15 years in 2 locations: The counseling office helping families and on sidelines of youth sporting events. Even before children, with a husband who is a coach, I’ve spent a lot of time around families in these two very different settings. Before kids I vowed to “never be THAT parent.” You know the one we ALL vowed not to become. We still like to think that we are not THAT parent. But without great intentionality that IS who we are.

Why are we THAT parent?

We are reactive emotionally during games because we are competitive, desiring justice, frustrated by things we can’t control, truth speakers, etc. etc. , etc. The list could go on and on. It has to do with loving and caring about what happens to our kids. We want them to feel good, we want them to be encouraged to work hard, we want them to get what they want (a “W”!!).

We want our job as a parent to be easy.

But maybe even deeper down, we want our parenting to be easier after the game. The drive home is easier with a happy kid. The questions about how they feel about themselves are not on the surface after a “success” (as determined by the score). We get to focus on what went well and celebrate the win. But I’m not sure those are our most impactful moments. We REALLY want to try to dodge the moments that require more of us and require us to watch our kids go through the suffering that brings development personally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. These moments often occur when we are helping our kids navigate disappointment, suffering, and challenges. These are the moments when we help them remember that they matter even when they don’t have the best performance or get the win. Our greatest impact can happen when we are sitting with uncomfortable emotions-those inside of us and those that our child is experiencing. But it requires more work to attend to these emotions than to enjoy the emotions that often accompany wins.

We want our kids to have it “better” than us.

Gosh, this can be a double-edge sword. Sometimes, when we want our kids to “have it better” we end up giving them the opposite of what we had instead of what they NEED. For example: If a dad didn’t have much financially as a child, he may choose to over-work to provide financially (excessively) while missing out on important relational moments. Or a mom who had to endure harsh criticism from a parent may indulge her child and not provide needed structure or feedback for fear of sounding critical. Many of us can think of things we wish we would have worked harder at as a 13, 16, 20, 25 year old. Sometimes, we decide that we will push our kids, so they won’t look back like we do and regret not working harder. However, if the pushing ends up feeling harsh and unmotivating it is not accomplishing what we set out to do. We must accept the reality that even if we want to give our kids our wisdom it can’t be forced on them and also that we can’t prevent them from having regrets one day too.

We are emotionally reactive…just like our kids.

Let’s face it, we sometimes show up to those games tired, stressed, hungry and annoyed. We don’t get what we want from the referee or the player (who is a child!) and we stomp our feet and yell. Unless we are intentional about what we are thinking and how we are behaving our dysregulated selves will act dysregulated. You want to know what acts as fuel on the emotional fire of a dysregulated child? The behavior of a dysregulated parent. Let’s not be surprised if things spiral the more reactive we become.

How do we NOT be THAT parent?

First off, unfortunately you’ll need to follow my advice written here, don’t use my behavior at an actual sporting event as a model. I’m kidding. Kind of—I’ll try to do better.

Be a non-anxious presence.

Adults determine the emotional environment that the children are living in. If we are anxious and angry it will be contagious. If we remain calm and cool (you can still be competitive and excited) that is contagious too. Since we set the stage for the emotional environment of this moment we have to take responsibility for being the ones to set the tone. Can we control the other parents who act anxious, urgent, angry or even rude? Nope! But we can do our part to be a leader in creating a non-anxious environment for our kids to learn and grow.

Regulate your emotions.

Slow down. Think about what you are thinking about. Is it true and consistent with what you actually believe? How do those thoughts make you feel? From those feelings and emotions you are experiencing, what behaviors are your choosing?

Don’t give your kids what you never had. Give them what they need.

Be a student of your child. What does your child respond positively to? Learn how to repair and apologize when you lead in an anxious rather than non-anxious way. Instead of deciding to give them what you never had, look at what them and determine what you can add and take away from the environment to help them have a safe, calm environment to try new things, succeed, fail, dysregulate, regulate, etc.

Don’t give your kid what your parents gave you. Give them what they need.

Sometimes our efforts to take what was good in our own childhood and pass that down to our children end up backfiring. Why? Because instead of giving attention to what our kids need from us we are giving our attention to giving them what we want them to have. This can often be forcing a square peg into a round hole. Learn how your child thinks and feels (it’s the process of nurture or having emotionally intelligent interactions with them) and give them the things that they need to help them develop thinking that is accurate and consistent with your family’s values.

Help normalize a culture of focusing on what matters.

Lead through example. Be competitive-want the win and the success for your child but know that it’s not worth sacrificing the emotional environment that you create to get it. Remember that some of your most important moments with your child will take place in the moments after failure and disappointment. Embrace it when it comes. Don’t dodge it. Enjoy the easier moments of celebration and success when they come too! They will mean more if they don’t come with a chaotic, tense emotional environment attached. Decide that sometimes success looks like a game well-played or a win and sometimes success looks like keeping your head up (and your confidence intact) when it’s not your best performance or when you lose.

First nurture and then structure.

Our kids do need instruction and training in all areas of life. Our best moments of providing this training (whether it’s focused on sports, friends, school, spiritual growth, family, etc) is to first provide nurture before we give feedback and instruction about behavior. Parents provide nurture in ALL kinds of ways. The nurture that I’m referring to is emotionally intelligent interactions. It requires that we are calm and collected and not reactive (acting out of anger loudly or quietly by yelling or withdrawing) and have done some of our own internal work to identify what we are feeling, what got us feeling that way and then thoughtfully choosing how we want to behave or interact with others in this moment. When we have done our own internal work, we can then move on to nurturing our child. This may sound like this: “It seemed like you were really frustrated by your teammate. It makes sense- were you disappointed that she wasn’t hustling while you were?”. We have suspended our own judgements and all the wisdom we want to share (or spew). We are most interested, at this point, in what our child was thinking or feeling that led to the behavior we want to address. Kids aren’t always up for joining this conversation, but we can at least open the door and invite them to explore what they were thinking and feeling. This grows their emotional intelligence even when they aren’t yet willing to actively participate. Now that we have done our part to nurture, or help our child feel understood (even if we disagree or want to change how they performed or behaved), we can provide structure. It may sound like this: “When you choose to yell at your teammate when you feel disappointed because of her lack of hustle, you’re choosing to hurt the whole team. It doesn’t solve the problem.”  Here’s another example of what nurture and structure could sound like:

Scenario: Kid strikes out, hits Homeplate with bat, returns to dugout and slams helmet down.

Parent: I could tell you were angry about that last strike. What did you think?

Kid: That umpire was the worst! That wasn’t a strike!

Parent: I was confused by the call too. I can see how you may have felt confused and disappointed that you didn’t get a hit.

Kid: I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Parent: I know. We can quit talking about it now. But I do want you to know that if you choose to show your confusion, anger, disappointment by slamming your equipment around you will be choosing to help with 20 minutes of chores when we get home. There are other ways to handle disappointment and anger and when you’re ready to talk about the other options, let me know. I’ll help you figure it out.

Developing this type of insight in ourselves as parents and in our kids makes them much more than athletic successes. And success comes whether there are wins, losses, bad calls, frustrating teammates and mid-game tantrums. It allows kids to learn, grow, try new things and develop resilience in all areas of life. It starts with us as parents. We have a huge impact on the environment in which they compete, learn, and play.  Sometimes, on our worst days, we will react to what is going on inside of us instead of being intentional in developing a healthy environment for our kids. But the good news is we can minimize our worst moments and increase our healthiest moments when we slow down and make choices based on what we really value-a healthy emotional environment for our kids.